Clint Martin's Blog

I scanned through the email. My sister was changing doctors and asked my mom for our family’s medical history. My mom forwarded the message to all of us. In a list that only went back a couple of generations, heart disease appeared three times. Cancer made the list five times. Only two of my recent ancestors had died of “old age”. If I had to die from something on the list, I found myself wondering, which would I choose? It was like I had received some sort of morbid menu.

I didn’t really bother me, getting a glimpse of my unhealthy future. I’m not really scared of death (unless that death comes by drowning in a undersea science lab whose structure has collapsed in on itself – omgosh that’d be terrifying). It did, however give me a final push to do start doing something I’d always wanted to do: completely live the Mormon code of health, the Word of Wisdom.

Most people know that Mormons don’t drink alcohol, coffee, or tea, smoke, or do illicit drugs. When I was a missionary, we had a pink flip chart that listed the Big Five which was probably the only page I ever really used. (Well, that and the one with Heavenly Father and Jesus visiting Joseph Smith. See? Two people! Count them. Two!) But there is more to the Word of Wisdom that we usually mumbled through. There is a lot of talk of grains, fruits, and vegetables. Every so often in the Church magazine, The Ensign, there is some talk that goes on and on about how the Word of Wisdom contains more Thou Shalt than Thou Shalt Not, which is true. I’ve never used tobacco, alcohol, or drugs and aside from a couple of moments where I wasn’t paying close attention to what I was drinking, I’ve never had tea or coffee. That part of the Word of Wisdom, I have down. But the Word of Wisdom does contain a Thou Shalt (Sometimes) clause that I’ve always wondered about:

Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; (D&C 89:14)

Sure, it says we can eat meat and the footnotes are filled with plenty of references to meat=good scriptures (in order to prevent us from turning into godless vegans). And whose to say what “sparingly” means anyway? Apparently God. In the next verse:

And these hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger. (D&C 89:15)

Aw, crap. Famine and excess of hunger. I can single-handedly destroy a Chick-fil-a. Why do Mormons see the proliferation of Starbucks as a the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse (named “Jitters”), yet have no issues with holding pig-roast ward activities? (Delicious, yes, but do we have to put the pig’s head on the end of the table?) Why aren’t Mormons the world’s largest group of flexitarians?

Maybe we are just reacting to the heathen hemp-wearing, PETA supporting, soy milk drinking hipsters with their meat-is-murder and their mopey indie rock. We all know where that leads. I even found myself reacting strongly against it while (briefly) living in North Hollywood. My breaking point was hearing someone who smoked and drank alcohol talk about all the dangerous chemicals in processed foods. Really? Is that an organic Virginia Slim? Is that free-range tequila? Southern California represented the epitome of hypocritical diet lecturing. Please. Your avocados will not save you.

I said as I ate an In-N-Out burger, animal style.

I knew that I wanted to drastically cut back on my meat intake, even if only for the health benefits, but I also knew that cutting out cold turkey, well, “cold turkey” wasn’t going to happen. I decided to go in phases. My first phase I decided to cut out beef. My rule is that if I am eating at someone’s house and they prepare beef, I eat it. I don’t want to be one of “those people”, after all, but aside from a couple of incidents (apparently some gyros have lamb and beef), I’ve been cow-free for a month or so.  Surprisingly, except for corned-beef Reuben sandwiches, I haven’t really felt its fault.

Even more surprising is how I react now when I do eat beef.  I feel disappointed.  It’s almost like after the first time I watched an R-rated movie.  I was eight.  It was “Sleeping With The Enemy” and I walked away with a strong feeling of “that wasn’t worth it”.  Neither were the chicken nachos that contained a hidden base of pulled beef in the refried beans.  (If I wanted beef, I would have ordered the beef nachos.  Jerks.)

It’ll probably be a long while before I cut out another meat.  It’ll probably be pork, if/when it happens.  In the mean time, I’m trying to up my grain/fruit/vegetable content.  ”Thou Shalt” and all that.

Still…turkey Reubens suck.